Many of my friends can attest to the fact that I've been through a few trials recently. The majority of them have been physical but others have been mental. Seizures are never fun to deal with but, lately, there have been some major issues with it.
My latest seizure two Saturdays ago took almost a week to recover from which was very frustrating for me. I know it was because I wasn't staying in bed like I should have been but I had classes I had to attend. They actually take attendance here, go figure. Nevertheless, I didn't enjoy it and I was ready for the morning, if you will. The emotional and mental implications of it, however, have been slightly worse. It's embarrassing having to make special arrangements in HPE because I can't walk without feeling like I'm going to keel over. It's frustrating to not be able to do accounting because, for some strange and bizarre reason, I can't remember the simplest things. Above all, it's upsetting to face the fact that I may or may not be able to have children.
With my sister being pregnant, I find it difficult to keep the green monster of jealousy at bay. It's hard to watch her progress through the pregnancy, happy and planning for the baby shower. The reason: I don't know if that will be me. I've said it before but the reason I may not is because of the medication I take. Our family doctor delivered the heart wrenching news that my medication causes severe birth defects. Needless to say I was rather heart broken.
Then I was faced by my best friend getting married. Being her maid of honor is such a major blessing and I love her to death. Again, I face jealousy, though. I haven't dated for a year because of a rule at the Honor Academy and I have absolutely no desire to pursue a relationship right now. I have a lot of pain I need to work through with the Lord first and the majority of the men here at ORU aren't what I thought they would be. But, since I am a hopeless romantic, I yearn for something more deep inside. That's been easier to deal with than the epilepsy but it's still a trial I face as I start to ponder if I'm good enough. What man wants a woman with epilepsy?
A few days ago, a very good friend of mine sent me a sermon. For the life of me, I can't remember the man's name. I know his first name is Andy but the last name escapes me. Anyway, the sermon was about grace and faith and how it pertains to healing. He says in there that there's God's part and there's our part. The Lord has healed us not by what we do - so none may boast - but by His grace and His love. What a beautiful thing! To know that His love and His desire to heal me is not based on what I do or what I don't do. He also says that we shouldn't look at Joe and how he got healed and wonder why God didn't heal us. I struggle with that. What else can I think? I've seen and heard testimonies of people being healed of epilepsy yet I seem to not be good enough or that I have failed in some aspect.
I ran this by my mother and she said something that I know but I have trouble truly believing. It's all in His timing. I want it to be now. I don't want to fight anymore. I'm so battle weary. Then I read the book of James and God's Word really jumped off the page for the first time ever. Consider it pure joy when you face trials. Why in the world would I consider it pure joy? I've been fighting for 11 years! How stupid. God didn't stop there and He definitely didn't leave me with that thought in my mind. During chapel last week, Dr. Rutland spoke on James and about the trials and we talked about it today in Survey of OT Lit Discussion. Coincidence? I think not.
I don't have it all figured out. I don't know why God is waiting. I don't know why I can't seem to get past the "I'm not good enough" mentality. I don't know why I have to face this fact that I may not have children. But there are things I can do. I can believe in faith that God is going to heal me in His time and that He'll protect me. I can believe that I truly am a daughter of the living God and that makes me a princess and I deserve to be treated as such - pointed out to me by another good friend. I can believe that God is going to help me in this. He doesn't give me the trials. Every perfect gift is from above and He would never tempt me with evil. However, in trials He walks with me through it. He will never leave me nor forsake me.
This pain may last for the night, but His joy comes in the morning.