Epilepsy Foundation

Many of my friends can attest to the fact that I've been through a few trials recently. The majority of them have been physical but others have been mental. Seizures are never fun to deal with but, lately, there have been some major issues with it.

 

My latest seizure two Saturdays ago took almost a week to recover from which was very frustrating for me. I know it was because I wasn't staying in bed like I should have been but I had classes I had to attend. They actually take attendance here, go figure. Nevertheless, I didn't enjoy it and I was ready for the morning, if you will. The emotional and mental implications of it, however, have been slightly worse. It's embarrassing having to make special arrangements in HPE because I can't walk without feeling like I'm going to keel over. It's frustrating to not be able to do accounting because, for some strange and bizarre reason, I can't remember the simplest things. Above all, it's upsetting to face the fact that I may or may not be able to have children.

 

With my sister being pregnant, I find it difficult to keep the green monster of jealousy at bay. It's hard to watch her progress through the pregnancy, happy and planning for the baby shower. The reason: I don't know if that will be me. I've said it before but the reason I may not is because of the medication I take. Our family doctor delivered the heart wrenching news that my medication causes severe birth defects. Needless to say I was rather heart broken.

 

Then I was faced by my best friend getting married. Being her maid of honor is such a major blessing and I love her to death. Again, I face jealousy, though. I haven't dated for a year because of a rule at the Honor Academy and I have absolutely no desire to pursue a relationship right now. I have a lot of pain I need to work through with the Lord first and the majority of the men here at ORU aren't what I thought they would be. But, since I am a hopeless romantic, I yearn for something more deep inside. That's been easier to deal with than the epilepsy but it's still a trial I face as I start to ponder if I'm good enough. What man wants a woman with epilepsy?

 

A few days ago, a very good friend of mine sent me a sermon. For the life of me, I can't remember the man's name. I know his first name is Andy but the last name escapes me. Anyway, the sermon was about grace and faith and how it pertains to healing. He says in there that there's God's part and there's our part. The Lord has healed us not by what we do - so none may boast - but by His grace and His love. What a beautiful thing! To know that His love and His desire to heal me is not based on what I do or what I don't do. He also says that we shouldn't look at Joe and how he got healed and wonder why God didn't heal us. I struggle with that. What else can I think? I've seen and heard testimonies of people being healed of epilepsy yet I seem to not be good enough or that I have failed in some aspect.

 

I ran this by my mother and she said something that I know but I have trouble truly believing. It's all in His timing. I want it to be now. I don't want to fight anymore. I'm so battle weary. Then I read the book of James and God's Word really jumped off the page for the first time ever. Consider it pure joy when you face trials. Why in the world would I consider it pure joy? I've been fighting for 11 years! How stupid. God didn't stop there and He definitely didn't leave me with that thought in my mind. During chapel last week, Dr. Rutland spoke on James and about the trials and we talked about it today in Survey of OT Lit Discussion. Coincidence? I think not.

 

I don't have it all figured out. I don't know why God is waiting. I don't know why I can't seem to get past the "I'm not good enough" mentality. I don't know why I have to face this fact that I may not have children. But there are things I can do. I can believe in faith that God is going to heal me in His time and that He'll protect me. I can believe that I truly am a daughter of the living God and that makes me a princess and I deserve to be treated as such - pointed out to me by another good friend. I can believe that God is going to help me in this. He doesn't give me the trials. Every perfect gift is from above and He would never tempt me with evil. However, in trials He walks with me through it. He will never leave me nor forsake me.

 

This pain may last for the night, but His joy comes in the morning.

Views: 78

Tags: God, faith, healing

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Comment by Vicki Schofield on January 15, 2013 at 12:57pm

It is difficult to understand God's plans.  I earned a degree in nursing, couldn't pass my board exam, started working as a nurse aide, and was let go due to medical concerns.  I'm divorced and live with my parents. Been divorced for 6 years now. Struggled with seizures for 17 years. I do not understand why, but I know that this is all in God's plan.  He has control of my life. I need to trust Him.  His timing is better than what I think.

I have recently met someone, after being single/divorced for 6 years.  He does not want any more children.  I always believed that I wanted to have children, but never really focussed on the issues of being pregnant.  My boyfriend does have kids from his past marraige. So it seems that maybe that is how God wants to fill this desire.

His timing is difficult and His plans are tough for me to see.  I have (with a joking tone) asked God to email me what His plans are for me so that I could follow what He wants for me.

 

Reading God's Word is incredible for me.  Reading about Paul's "thorn" in his flesh has pointed me to some direction.  Some believe this "thorn in his flesh" may have been a form of epilepsy.  Paul's focus on God has inspired me. 2 Corinthians 12:1-10 is a great passage. 2 Corinithians 12:9 Christ tells us that "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." It's tough to just hand it all over to God and trust Him. I struggle with this.

I pray that God may hold you in His loving arms!

 

Comment by BreAnn Cherise on September 12, 2011 at 12:20am
Not at all. It's a silly thing to get mad about even if I had. :)
Comment by Colleen Chennell on September 10, 2011 at 9:18am
I hope I didn't make you mad. I don't like doing that.
Comment by BreAnn Cherise on September 9, 2011 at 3:54pm
Yeah, I guess this is one of those agree to disagree situations, isn't it? :)
Comment by Colleen Chennell on September 9, 2011 at 10:15am

When I say run E I don't mean exactly we have the power over it. That would be great!

I probably didn't find the right word I wanted to use.

I meant it is a part of our lives. We will never get rid of it even though we my be seizure free.

You may not have seizures, but their are side affects.

Yes it is your Epilepsy and Yes you should delcare you have E. If you denie and will not state you have E what is that saying? I guess we agree and disagree on stuff. That is life. If we agreed on everything it would be a boring place to live.

Take care and I hope today is a good day for you

Comment by BreAnn Cherise on September 8, 2011 at 9:54pm

In a way, I agree. You can't grow out of epilepsy. But you can be healed. My God is the One that heals. And, as tough of a pill as it is to swallow, He'll heal me in His timing; when He knows I'm ready. I'm not living in the past. And I'm not living in the future. I'm living in the here and now. There's so much that I can do right now, the future will come when it comes. I simply look at the future right now because of the stimuli around me.

 

I won't stop fighting. I won't stop pushing for my promise. I won't stop running to my God. I may have down times like what I had yesterday and this morning, but in the end I know that I can make it. I believe with all my heart that I will be free of this. I'm just discontent with the timing.

 

You're right: Epilepsy cannot and will not run my life. But I also disagree with you saying that I can run epilepsy. In order to run something, you declare that you have it. Why would I say that I have epilepsy? I'm breaking out of that habit. It's not "my epilepsy". I don't want it! Haha.

 

There's order in chaos, whether we recognize it or not, and God will make it clear to us when He knows we're ready and when He knows it's time.

Comment by Colleen Chennell on September 8, 2011 at 9:05am

BreAnn

Stop living in the past and live in the future.

I am 55 years old and married. I wanted children too but was not going to take the chance of them having Epilepsy.

Anything you put into your body would go dirctly to the child. So it's not just you and your meds.

I tell myself there is a reason why I have Epilepsy and have gone through the living hell I have been through.

I am finding out what I have gonee through and still am is helping others who don't understand.

You can't grow out of Epilepsy. You can grow away from it but not out of it.

I know.

I was seizure free for 25 years and the doctors wanted to take me off of my meds.

I said NO.

Oct 2,2007 I had 9 seizures.

So I didn't grow out of it,I grew away from it for a while.

E isn't suppose to run your life. You are suppose to run E.

Deal with it everyday. It may take a little more than others but you find out so much stuff others don't because they have E.

I am not saying I am happy because I have E. I am saying it doesn't run my life because I work with it.

Take care

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