It's been a crazy few weeks for me. It's Global Expeditions' busy season which means that I've had only had free time during my meals and when I get off work at 6 and 5. I've become half encouragement and have acceptance which is going to be insane. It's going to be great at the same time, though. I'll be able to see how I act under pressure. Don't you just love it when God tests you?
I've been learning a lot about faith and grace recently. You may remember that sermon my brother had me listen to. It was centered around physical healing and I received a lot about that, of course. Last week, however, I received more than joy about that situation. You see, sometimes I think we forget that there's more to healing than just physical. Don't get me wrong, physical healing is fantastic. But as a woman it's also great to get emotional healing.
Anyone who knows me, whether it be over the Internet or in real life, knows I've had a pretty rough past. I was in a situation 11 years ago that left me with severe abandonment issues. After that experience, I made an agreement with the enemy without realizing it that God would abandon me, too. I carried that even into age 19 after I was saved. I had a fear of the Lord that wasn't healthy. My fear was He would leave me and He didn't care about me. I was afraid of His answers if I prayed to Him.
For my meeting with my core adviser, we were in the Subway at WalMart waiting on them to fill my prescription. I was emotionally exhausted and didn't want to talk about anything really. Like I would be so lucky. ;) I told her about how I was overwhelmed about work, college, and my personal life. She read a story to me that John Eldridge put in his book Walking With God. It's about a woman who felt she had been abandoned by God and made an agreement with the devil. Kelley had me tell her about a time when I felt abandoned by the Lord. It didn't take me long to answer.
When my biological father left me, it was a mess that carried on for three years. I felt so alone through the time and, like I said, I felt like God had abandoned me. Kelley asked me to close my eyes and explain it to her in detail. It took me a minute to remember as much as I could and soon I found myself back in my eight year old body experiencing everything all over again. I told her what I could remember, my heart breaking all over again. Then she had me pray to God and ask Him where He was in all of it.
What did I have to lose? I was at my lowest point, my heart was broken, and I was tired of feeling like that. So, I began to pray. As time went on and I didn't receive an answer, I realized it was because my attitude going into it was wrong. God wanted to tell me, I could sense that, but He wouldn't while I was begrudgingly going before Him. I finally told him that I didn't care how long it would take. I would sit in that Subway all night if I had to but I wasn't leaving until He answered me.
Then He told me and I was filled with a joy I've never experienced before. "In the midst of those years, there is only one set of footprints in the sand because I carried you through it."
When I thought I was alone, I wasn't. God carried me through everything. He carried me this morning as my hands began to jerk for the first time in a long time. I know now that He will never leave me; that He loves me and He hasn't, nor will He ever, leave me.
And that's the all I could ever ask for.