First, I wanna apologize for the length of this email, I just started typing and the word vomit, and thoughts just spilled out of me. Okay here we go....
I just want some people to talk with, sometimes I feel like this forum is the only place I can go to where people actually understand what I am going through.
I have actually recently thought about finding someone to talk to, just cause I want someone to listen, has anyone ever thought of this, or done this... did it help? I am kinda at whits end right now. I am a very happy and optimistic person, just sometimes this whole situation can get me down, as I am sure everyone can relate to.
This is so hard to live with epilepsy. It has only been the last year and half or so where I actually have been exposed to grand mal epilepsy. I grew up my whole life with absence seizures, and then one day when I was 21, my whole life changed.
I am now 22 and I cant enjoy most of the things other 21 year olds can. I had to change my lifestyle, ya know, making sure I am not up to late, not over exerting myself or getting stressed, having to plan my night accordingly so I will be somewhere where my 7 pills are available, having to find rides to the grocery store since I cant drive. I have had seizures anywhere from sitting at the breakfast table, walking across the street, laying on the couch at home, during the middle of the Eugene marathon I was trying to run, In the middle of a physics final in a classroom of 140 kids (where most of them couldnt even explain what epilepsy actually is). I know everyone here is struggling through there own battles and most of us can probably relate to getting the short end of the stick when it comes to every day living. This last one I had was particularly hard for me, it was my tenth seizure after 3 months free. I thought I was so close to beating this, and getting it controlled, and then BAM, that thought is out the window. I am full time student at the university of oregon, I am a senior pre-med student, and this year school has become a huuuuge struggle for me. I have always been a good student who got pretty good grades. While I am still maintaing my fairly good grades, I am having to study at least three times more than I did before I started having seizures. The roughest part for me is the lack of my short term memory. I am not sure if its my medication, lamictal XR 800 mg, (anyone taking that med, I heard thats a pretty big dose, you guys having any of these problems?) Or who knows, maybe my lack of a short term memory is just due to having so many seizures recently. I have generalized frontal lobe epilepsy, and so memory shouldn't be the problem, from what I hear its much more common in those with temporal lobe epilepsy. But anyway... I honestly cant remember ANYTHING anymore, adapting to losing my short term memory has by far been the hardest thing that I have had to deal with, and on top of that, I have definitely lost my entire ability to spell (thank god for spell check haha). Without exaggerating all my friends laugh at me (although they all are very understanding, and its a friendly humor) because I will ask the same question three days in a row, or tell a person the same thing 2 or 3 times in one day. I will forget what I needed at the grocery store, or what/ and when assignments are due in class. I am now having to keep a notebook with me everywhere I go just so I don't miss anything. [on a side note: let me tell you this is a pretty ridiculous notebook, on any given page there could be a reading assignment, email reminders, grocery lists, who I am supposed to call, important conversations I had with people ect haha my whole life to-do list on one page, but whatever, if this is what I have to do to keep my head on straight I guess its what I gotta do... right??] I try and keep a positive attitude about having epilepsy and most of the time I do, but sometimes it gets really hard. I wanna beat this and go back to living a semi-normal life, or at least a life where I can, everyday, enjoy the little things. I am sure everyone in this forum can relate, its just nice to put my thoughts out there and its comforting to know that somebody out there is reading this, who might be going through the same kind of thing.
Maybe one day, we will be able to beat this, but for now I am just glad I have a place where I can vent.
The best to you all,